OUT OF OFFICE: Taking time to just be Mom

(Apologies for not making this one audio… wasn’t sure I could read it without choking up)

The last time I was a 24/7 mom, my son had just celebrated his first birthday. I had quit my job and stayed home that zero year, but squeaky finances drove me back into the workforce part time, and eventually full time around the time my son was turning 3 (and not so coincidentally, I was divorcing my husband).

My son has no memories of me not juggling ALL the things. Juggling work and single motherhood. Juggling school and a second marriage. Juggling school and divorce and work and more single motherhood. Even when I quit the corporate tech life to go to grad school in my 40s, and he was in his early adult launch phase, I was juggling my classes, my art practice, and student teaching. And then I caught a health curveball in the form of a genetic heart issue and juggled that too.

I am, in so many ways, a typical woman of my generation. Raised to marry and make kids. Cultured to take care of everyone and everything, with me low on the list, way past the someday-maybe section we both know ain’t never getting done. Without complaining. Or needing help, or even worse, asking for any. I was generationally indoctrinated in the cult of “you can have it all and do it all.” (Cue “I can bring home the bacon… fry it up in a pan…”) Cultured to keep on keeping on, drink more caffeine, get up earlier, stretch myself even thinner because, heaven help me, “we can do hard things”.

I gotta tell you, I’m TIRED of doing hard things. I’m sick of the puritanical idea that if I don’t suffer for it, it has no value, I didn’t EARN my right to have it, and I better not be enjoying it - whatever the elusive IT is. I'm sick of my productivity being the supposed indicator of my worth as a human. I'm over feeling like I need to EARN my right to rest via how many things I check off lists.

These days, I juggle all the things in my entrepreneurial businesses (there’s a reason I sign off my emails as the Chief Everything Officer) and my ongoing health stuff, and, let’s face it, the intense anxiety being caused by the idjits running/ruining the economy and how that makes people not buy things from entrepreneurs.

And I’m exhausted with the juggle.

Which brings me back to my son. The juggling life I’ve led short-changed him a lot at times. Some of it created the confidently self-sufficient guy that he is. But there were also far too many times he needed more than I could squeak out in his direction, caught as I was in the horrendous catch-22 of staying late at work to keep my job (and thus the roof over my son’s head) or leaving on time and risking the job, the home, and everything else.

When he launched out of my house at 23 I could suddenly see all the hourglass sand that had slipped thru my fingers. It wasn’t just the empty nest, but all those moments where I didn’t or couldn’t choose him. Moments I’ll never get back.

This May, my son will undergo a big surgery. He inherited my dodgy heart genetics, and his cardio team plans to fix the parts of it that are fixable. Once he heals up, he should feel like he’s in his 20’s again for a while, instead of his almost 41 going on 70. But it’s going to take a full chest crack and a week in the hospital first.

I’m choosing him.

I’m showing up for a month to help out. His wife is just starting a night shift position as a shiny new RN, and they need extra hands. I plan to drive, cook, clean house, scoop cat poo, walk the dog, and generally do anything I can to make their lives easier through his first tough month of recovery and her new job.

AND NOTHING ELSE.

I’m showing up all the way for this.

WITHOUT JUGGLING all the rest.

I just want to be Mom and nothing else for a few, precious weeks.

I’m off social media (other than scheduled things) and handing off the reins of the biz and home to my beloved support team and friends. We’re backing the podcast off to once every 2 weeks for a bit, and the newsletter will take a rest, too, unless we schedule something fun for you.

My team is so awesome that you probably won’t notice.

And if you do, I trust that you support me in the idea that my son deserves all my attention for a bit.

Please know that your patience, prayers, good vibes, and any other positive energy you send our way is so very appreciated.

I'll catch you sometime in June.